Ted's Blog (2)

When first bringing baby home... 1. Leave home. Immediately. 2. Walk once around the block. 3. Calm yourself by breathing slowly and deeply. 4. Start chanting, preferably under your breath so you don't get sectioned... Probably something gentle. 5. Return home. 6. Give your wife/partner a big manly hug. 7. If she strikes you, take it on the chin. Don't hit back. 8. Take your new born son/daughter in your arms. 9. Look into their squinty, shrivelled-up eyes. You can see yourself can't you… Continue

The first nappy change... 1. Build confidence in yourself by imagining scoring a diving header in injury time at Wembley Stadium on Cup Final day. 2. Prepare the room by removing any sharp objections and unneccesary distractions (eg porn stash). 3. Make sure no one else is present to witness your first attempt. 4. The exception to the above rule is your baby. 5. It's good to have a dry run so you practice throwing up before you start, that way baby won't be too startled when you actually… Continue