New Dads

When first bringing baby home...

1. Leave home. Immediately.
2. Walk once around the block.
3. Calm yourself by breathing slowly and deeply.
4. Start chanting, preferably under your breath so you don't get sectioned... Probably something gentle.
5. Return home.
6. Give your wife/partner a big manly hug.
7. If she strikes you, take it on the chin. Don't hit back.
8. Take your new born son/daughter in your arms.
9. Look into their squinty, shrivelled-up eyes. You can see yourself can't you? You realise that the world will undoubtedly be a better, happier, shinier place with a small version of you frolicking with gay abandon on the shag-pile carpet.
10. If you can't see yourself, leave. Immediately.


The first nappy change...

1. Build confidence in yourself by imagining scoring a diving header in injury time at Wembley Stadium on Cup Final day.
2. Prepare the room by removing any sharp objections and unneccesary distractions (eg porn stash).
3. Make sure no one else is present to witness your first attempt.
4. The exception to the above rule is your baby.
5. It's good to have a dry run so you practice throwing up before you start, that way baby won't be too startled when you actually vomit on the carpet.
6. Think of something pleasant - Agyness Deyn wriggling around on my lap with her tongue in my ear always works for me.
7. Start as you mean to go on.
8. Ask your better half for help.
9. Pretend to faint.
10. Wake up when the 'job' is done.