You're an embarrassment

[Ted]

As a Dad, you tend to lose any notion of embarrassment and self-respect after the first few months of screaming and vomiting in public. Then, every now and then, they manage to do something which still manages to make you go bright, bright red...

[Andy]

We're at the park, near the dump. It's Sunday morning, so, it's very busy with the usual mix of Dads with kids - 'Take them out for a breath of fresh air Dear while I put the dinner on' (yeah, sure!) to 'And this time Ron, don't take him to that minging park by the dump again, treat him for once, you only get to see him every Sunday after all, take him bowling or something (no I'm skint actually, from paying the child maintenance).

Anyway, this scene unfolds... Charlie needs a wee, desperately. Millie wants to play on the swings, desperately. There's a public convenience not too far away. Perhaps about 200 yards or so in old money. He could go on his own. Couldn't he? Why not? There might be a perv lurking in the dark, dank recesses, leaning against a graffitied, stale wooden door. But then again, there might not...

'Daddy, please, I'm going to wee my self. I need to go - NOW.'

'But Daddy, push me, I need you to push me, I need you to push me, NOW.'

Mmm. Tricky. Oh, what the hell...

'Hey Charlie, do you think you can be a big boy and go to the toilet all on your very own?'

'Yes Daddy, thank you - are you sure?'

'Yep, go for it.'

He goes for it. He runs. He makes it to the public lavs. He drops his trousers... Then pisses up against the outside wall - just like a doggy. A mongrel dog, in fact, from the wrong side of town. The newly painted bright green wall has a dark green line running at 22 degrees to the right (he's left-handed). It's rather beautiful - a Jackson Pollock Piss. He walks back, relieved and mighty proud. I continue to push Millie on the swings. Pretending he has absolutely nothing at all to do with me - but laughing, deep inside and, in a strange kind of way, mighty proud too.

[Sam Dyer]

Ha ha, don't even think twice about dancing round the front room like a nutter to the Tweenies now...

...but when Izzy once decided to go for a poo in the queue at ASDA (bright red, heaving noises and the smell) that was pretty embarrassing. Its not even as if you can go anywhere as your sandwiched in, so had to grin and bear it with everyone looking at me. Nice!