DIY Oh Why

[Andy]

Rant about DIY. Celebrate your incompetence. And, if all else fails, get your own Dad to do it.
(This discussion originally appeared as a Group, but then thought twice, had a section-change and became a Forum...)

Posted by Mark Owen on 31 March 2008 at 10:47am in DIY Oh Why

I'll start.

I moved into my first home, and when the job was done, my brother and best mate took me for a drink. I got home several hours laters, worse for wear and so naturally, ready to tackle some DIY. All I had to do was replace the handle on the loo cistern.

Unfortunately, I'd bought a replacement handle with a non-standard fitting, which I tried in desperation to squeeze into the hole in the cistern front. In my head, a voice was saying, 'Use a rat's tail file to remove a little of the ceramic.' So what did I do? Walloped the handle with a mallet three times, shattered the whole top corner of the cistern, and caused about a gallon of water to flood the bathroom carpet.

My other half was not impressed, and me pay to have a whole new loo fitted.

Reply by Andy on 31 March 2008 at 2:11pm

I too have suffered toilet trauma...

Our loo seat was getting pretty ropey. Such is my inability with anything remotely practical, that I couldn't even fix the seat properly. So, being a boy, my Charlie just lifts the lid up to pee. Inevitably he's not a great shot aged six - mind you at 43, I'm pretty crap too.

So, the seat starts to get soggy and I reluctantly replace it with a nice Walnut jobby (pardon the pun) from Homebase.

Forty-five quid.

That's a lot, but worth it as I spend a lot of time on that seat mulling over the pressing issues of the day and my long-gone bachelorhood, shouting out 'Just coming dear' when my wife shouts at me to get a move on.

Well, of course, I don't fit it properly. It looks nice, but slides around a bit when you least want it to.

Charlie's fine. He just lifts the lid up and pisses on the floor.

Poor Millie though. She has to sit down (I've tried teaching her to stand up but she's not having any of it) and every now and then screams out in pain as the lid smacks her roughly on the back.

My father-in-law said he would sort it for me. He's a real man from the West Country.

It's even worse now.

Looks good though...

Reply by PetrolHeadDad on 13 April 2008 at 11:15am

More toilet drama.

The seat on one of our toilets had broken, so unscrewed it and took it off. Had a shiny new glittery silver seat (chosen by child #1 who is attracted to shiny things like a magpie) ready to put on. However slight issue with the bolts which didn't quite fit in the holes due to square ends.

Tried greasing them to help them slide in, almost there. Just need a gentle tap with a hammer to help them in. Gentle taps later, screws are in, toilet seat is on and all is looking good. Feeling pleased with macho prowess in a primate chest beating way. "Ugg. Me fixed toilet."

However, the morning later when out bringing home the dinosaur, I'm reminded why I'm not a 'domestic engineer'. Get a phone call, "Child #1 has just flushed the toilet and it's flooded the bathroom".

Yes, I'd managed to crack the porcelain right along the back of the toilet, so that it did an impression of a mini Niagra Falls whenever the toilet was flushed, all over the floor.

Ended up getting bathroom fitters in to replace the toilet. Of course they had to re-tile the floor at the same time. So from needing a new seat to ending up with a new toilet and bathroom floor tiles. Here's to DIY incompetence.

Reply by BeerDad on 18 April 2008 at 4:43pm

Replace the garden fence - no problem for an experienced DIY enthusiast like myself!
No need to get anyone in, I shall do it myself.

1. Remove old fence panels.
2. Remove old fence posts.
3. Remove last fence post that was proving a bit stubborn due to 1 tonne of concrete being stuck to it.
4. Let large heavy crowbar slip off concrete and smash into face.
5. Spend 4 hours at A&E getting side of face stitched up.
6. Spend next 3 hours getting lecture from wife on how stupid I am.
7. Spend following day replacing fence with wife's Dad and Brother pretending to be in no pain!

It's a fine fence though!

[Andy]

I'm feeling rather nostalgic this evening and reminiscing over toilet dramas of yesteryear and thought I'd give you all an update on the Bog Situation chez Hayes... It's nearly 11 months now since my last instalment and I'm proud to say that the loo seat is half-fixed and on the road to recovery. So, grab a stool, sit yourself down and listen to my latest tale of toilet woe...

It got worse before it got better, was so slippy that my father-in-law took the matter into his own hands and made it even worse than his last attempt. Have you ever tried to take a dump on a boat being tossed around in a Force-9 Gale? Nope, me neither - but I have tried the same on my own lav after a bit of DIY surgery went wrong.

So, my dad came to the rescue. My dad is practical. My dad is good with his hands, used to be an apprentice cabinet maker back in the 50s. My dad believes in getting a job done... eventually... sort of in his own time. I am, it's safe to say, my father's son.

He's coming back over this weekend. We discovered that the original problem was indeed a result of HUMAN ERROR: It was a mistake for me to try and fix a new loo seat in the first place. I should've done what I always do - try for a few minutes, swear, let my wife take over and read the paper sullenly in the corner by the front window, one place in the house with more than a slither of natural light.

My dad heroically unscrewed one wing-nut and re-fixed the screw properly, and without fuss (well, a slight fuss, only a few choice words, that one Hail Mary should sort out following his next confession). One wing-nut is still stuck. He gave up on that. I don't blame him. But, game man that he is, he's popping over this Sunday to sort it out.

We, sorry he, is going to saw the bastard off. Good riddance say I. Farewell toilet trauma. Hello, long, slow, relaxing poo - it's been a while, I missed you very, very much...

[Andy]

Feb 22nd 2009
Sunday evening:
He came, he saw, he did a little tinkering
Yes, you know the story by now, it's just as bad if not worse.
This one is going to run and run piss all over the Iliad and Odyssey by the time it's resolved.

[Richard Weston]

Don't drill through the centre of a floorboard:

Nobody told me that gas men lay their pipes in straight lines, down the centre of the floor boards. So, when I eventually got around to addressing the issue of the squeaky floorboard by putting a dirty great big screw through it's middle, I was surprised at: A) How difficult it was to get the little threaded fella through; and B) The hissing noise.

Evacuation followed.

On a brighter note: I was pleasantly surprised to learn that gas engineers fix leaks for free, thereby avoiding tight-git based catastrophes.